


THIS IS HOW YOU PRAY PROPERLY

by Doorway



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Crack, Crack Fic, Gen, Mikkel is kinda out of character in this one, OOC!Mikkel, norse gods, pray
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 15:50:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6963166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doorway/pseuds/Doorway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sigrun is appalled by Reynir's attempt at praying and decides to do a proper demonstration, with Mikkel's help. What could go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	THIS IS HOW YOU PRAY PROPERLY

**Author's Note:**

> Hello SSSS fans!  
> I don't have the Emil and Kitty fic ready, but I got this instead, inspired by the events of page 529. I'm sure it will be jossed tomorrow, so I wrote it as fast as I could!

“ _That_ was praying? No way, you must have misunderstood, big guy.”

“Let me see… Our braided civilian spoke to beings that do not exist, requested things from those non-existent beings, panicked about offending their non-existent ego, apologized and fled. Sounds like a standard prayer to me.”

Mikkel smiled to himself and waited for Sigrun to bite the bait.

True enough, she was staring at him with both eyes wide open, as if he had sprouted an extra head, but did not say a word. Maybe she needed a little bit of encouragement.

“I’m sorry, did I offend you? A certainly hope you do not feel-”

“WHAT?” Sigrun cut him off.

Mikkel went quiet and smiled inwardly. He had finally gotten to her. This was going to be good.

“THAT’S NOT HOW YOU PRAY!!” Sigrun bellowed.

“Er-”

“Freckles is going to get as all killed!!”

“You-”

“Did no one ever teach him anything, he’s the most clueless person I’ve ever seen!”

“Hah-”

“REYNIIIIIIIIIIIIR!!!!” Sigrun screeched with all the might of her lungs.

Mikkel stared at her, slightly confused, but all in all satisfied. This hadn’t gone as well as he had expected, but at least it was still amu-

His train of thought dismantled when he saw his captain’s expression as she turned to face him. “You. You will help me teach Reynir the _appropriate_ way to pray” she said with the kind of voice that didn’t bear any argument.

As Reynir poked a terrified head out of the door, Mikkel realized he was equally curious and horrified to witness what he suspected would follow.

*****

“FRECKLES! RULE NUMBER ONE!” Sigrun yelled again with all her might to a cowering Reynir.

Mikkel winced. This was bound to be loud. They were in a sunny meadow in the middle of nowhere, armed, and would be able to see if anything was coming for them early enough; nonetheless, hearing Sigrun scream like this was unsettling.

“You! I said translate!”

“Yes, my captain” Mikkel replied meekly. Turning to Reynir, he said: “Try not to panic. Just nod and agree until it’s over.”

Reynir turned his wide, green eyes to stare at him, pleading. “…What is happening? Are you going to… leave me here?”

“What? No!” Mikkel said and immediately regretted not taking advantage of this opportunity.

“Are you going to _sacrifice me?_ ” the boy said next, his head hung low.

Mikkel recovered from his speechlessness. “…You know what, I’m not sure. It is a possibility.”

Reynir’s head hung even lower. “I knew it” he whispered. “I deserve it, too. The gods got angry by my prayer and sent Sigrun to-”

“Are you done chatting, yet?” Sigrun asked, fuming. “We have much work to do!!”

“Oh yes, excuse me. Reynir, it seems that Sigrun intends to teach you how to pray to your gods. Whether or not sacrifice is on the table remains to be seen.”

Reynir gulped.

*****

“FIRST RULE!! You do not pray to any god! Each god takes care of his own stuff, but some of that stuff is lamer than others!” Sigrun yelled at the top of her lungs, the whole countryside around her falling silent.

“…Sigrun strongly indicates that you must be selective in your choice of god to pray to. She also implies that some gods are superior to others.”

Reynir nodded hastily.

Sigrun seemed satisfied by this exchange, and so continued: “When you deal with the lame stuff you pray to the lame gods! Of course the lame stuff is important too, you can’t dress yourself without weaving clothes, but do you really want to spend your days under the protection of a god that helps you mend clothes and boil stuff because you have nothing better to do? _You need to get your priorities straight!!”_

“Our captain expresses the opinion that despite the hierarchy of the gods, each one’s job is important, and must be addressed when you deal with something that falls under their responsibility. She then asks you if you would like to live in peace and deal with a god who helps you with household chores.”

“Yes!!!” Reynir said and nodded his head with such enthusiasm that his braid continued moving long after he stopped.

“Reynir agrees” provided Mikkel helpfully.

“That’s what I thought!! Leave the dishwasher god to the wimps! Here in the Silent World, we are EXPLORERS. FIGHTERS. MAGES. We go where no one has ever been!!”

“Sigrun implies that our team does not fall under the responsibility of a god who deals with the problems of everyday life.”

“I figured” uttered Reynir. “That’s why I prayed to Óðinn and Freyja… But…”

“Excellent choice!” yelled Sigrun when Mikkel transferred the boy’s answer and clapped him harshly on the back. “War and battle god and goddess, well done!”

“She commends you on your choice” Mikkel explained to a frozen Reynir.

“Uh- that’s good. That’s a relief” he stuttered. “But… Are you sure…? Um, I don’t mean that you didn’t understand her, it’s just that she hit me… If I did something wrong, please don’t try too much to soften it for me, I need to know-”

“Our captain is just a little over-enthousiastic, don’t wo-”

“NEXT THING!!” Sigrun cut him off. “Praying is for wimps!! You think the battle gods want to hear your _mewling?_ The gods want bold acts of courage, proofs of your spirit and dedication!!”

“Our captain firmly believes that when communicating with the gods, you should try the “show, don’t tell” method.”

“What does that m-”

“BLOOD! Sacrifice! _Deaaaath!”_ she hissed in response to Reynir’s unfinished question.

“…Oh dear. It seems that sacrifice is on the table, after all” Mikkel told Reynir, managing to hide his smirk, and watched as the boy’s face went completely white.

“Oh, don’t be such a wimp!” the woman scorned when she saw his expression. “A little blood never hurt anybody!”

“She says that it won’t hurt” Mikkel translated helpfully, his eyes never leaving Reynir’s face.

“You just take the animal, the biggest, the better. Who wants to sacrifice rats? Pathetic! Slice its throat open, let the blood flow! Then you boil the meat and spray the blood all over the place!”

“…She mentions slicing the throat and spilling the blood. She did say it won’t hurt, but honestly it sounds quite gruesome…” A helpful icy breeze and the heavy clouds that had conveniently blocked the sun conveyed the appropriate atmosphere and made it easier for Mikkel to shudder realistically.

“And lastly you hang the carcass for _everyone to see your offering!_ Plus the gods, because they may be absentminded and miss the whole show, but they _will_ notice a big ass carcass lying around in their name.”

“And in the end the dead corpse will be left hanging for the gods to see and be appeased.”

The boy’s mouth had frozen into a little “o”.

Mikkel enjoyed this too much. _Far too much._ It was cruel and he already felt bad, but the kid was _so easy to mess with._ Plus he suspected that Sigrun would do a practical demonstration of a “proper sacrifice” as soon as she was able, and who would have to clean the mess afterwards? That’s right, him. He deserved a little fun for all the hard work and unrewarding job he was currently doing.

“And now for a _practical demonstration”_ the captain said with such purpose in her voice, that Mikkel felt there wasn’t really any need for him to translate.

“She’ll do it now” he explained nonetheless while watching Reynir’s washed out face carefully. After this he would explain the joke and apologize, and maybe the boy would learn to be less gullible. Sigrun, too, needed to realize that her insane customs could have dangerous consequences. Seriously, these heathens could believe anything!

“Oh, just ONE MORE THING!!!” Sigrun yelled at the top of her lungs. Why was she screaming so much today? Did she hope that her gods would listen to this insane teaching effort? _“YOU CANNOT ALWAYS RELY ON GODS!!!”_

This was the loudest he had ever heard Sigrun scream yet. Mikkel resisted the temptation to plug his ears.

“They might have other stuff on their minds, or spend their day snoring! They’re gods, they’re allowed to do whatever they please!”

“Of course, the sacrifice might be in vain. The gods might be looking away” the Dane explained.

Reynir’s face fell even more, if that was possible.

Too cruel, far too cruel.

He had to stop now.

Well, maybe just one more joke…

“Plus there are some things that a god just cannot do!! **_DO YOU THINK THOR CAN STRIKE DOWN THIS BIG FAT UNBELIEVING DANE WITH LIGHTNING?!_** ” she yelled like there was no tomorrow, pointing at Mikkel.

Oh no, he took his previous statement back. Sigrun _could_ yell even louder.

“ ** _NO HE CAN’T!!! THAT’S RIGHT!!! IT’S TOO FAR AWAY FROM THE SKY TO HERE, AND THOR HAS LOUSY EYESIGHT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!!! THAT’S WHY HE ALLOWS THIS BLASPHEMOUS PRESENCE AMONG US FAITHFUL FOLK!!!_** ”

“Are you trying to… Never mind, this is hilarious. Reynir, it appears that Sigrun believes that gods are not that powerful, after all. I’m not sure what the sacrifice is for, then.”

Reynir was looking at him funny, and it appeared that he had finally realized that the translation hadn’t been 100% accurate. Never mind, he had taken this too far anyway, time to backtrack.

“Anyway, as far as I can tell” he added immediately “we’ll sacrifice the next animal we find.”

Reynir’s face broke into a giant grin. “Oh, for a while I thought- I- I was so stupid! Yes, an animal! That’s cool! That’s great, for the gods, yes! I-”

Lightning tore across the sky, illuminating everything for a single moment: the heavy clouds, every piece of grass in the whole meadow, striking on the slope a few dozens of meters away and leaving everyone’s senses ringing in the aftermath.

Mikkel blinked several times, attempting to calm his wildly beating heart.

This had come out of nowhere! He had nearly died of fright! It was-

“OH WOW, LOOKS LIKE I WAS MISTAKEN AGAIN! YOU’RE THE BEST, THOR, BRO FIST!” Sigrun yelled, visibly pleased, raising her fist in the air.

The following thunder shook the earth visibly.

Sigrun lowered her hand, shaking it a couple of times, and turned to beam at him.

“-a _coincidence!_ ” Mikkel growled at her.

“Oh yeah? Because it looks to me like all my yelling attracted a troll, which Thor helpfully destroyed for us.”

Mikkel turned to look. Sure enough, a thin tuft of smoke rose from the spot where the lightning had struck, and the unmoving figure of… _something_ was barely visible in the grass. Of something with more limbs than humanly possible.

“It’s smaller than you, I might add” Sigrun said helpfully. “His aim is amazing, he can kill you any time! Come on guys, let’s go collect the thing! It will make a fiiiine sacrifice!” And she started off cheerfully towards the charred remains of the troll. “Tell Reynir that _this_ is what a proper prayer looks like!!”

“Um… What happened…?” Reynir whispered. Like Sigrun, he had appeared less shocked by the lightning; Mikkel supposed that, as a shepherd, he had had close encounters with them several times.

It felt weird for Mikkel to be surpassed in that aspect, but he let it be; it was fair, after all. He had been rather cruel. “Sigrun seems to think that the gods helpfully struck down a troll for us to sacrifice to them.”

“Oh!” Reynir’s face lit up. “Great idea, thanks, gods!” and he set off running after Sigrun.

“…A coincidence…!” Mikkel yelled at him, but no one paid him any attention.

*****

What followed the find of the troll, Mikkel would rather forget. Sigrun poked the thing with a stick. It turned out it was still alive, but barely. She put it out of its misery by slicing its throat, as promised, and then sprinkled the blood at Mikkel’s clothes and her own, also as promised, “for strength”. Reynir was spared this gruesome procedure on account of not being immune.

“There!” Sigrun said cheerfully. “The gods provided us with an appropriate sacrifice, which we killed in a glorious fashion!”

Mikkel didn’t think he could make the above sentence any more ridiculous so he provided the boy with an exact translation.

In a much lower voice, the captain added: “As demonstrated, the gods won’t always do what you need them to do, whatever the reason. That’s why you need to be prepared for any circumstance, to deal with your problems on your _own_ and impress the gods with your strength! Gods do not want baby followers who need help with every little thing!”

Mikkel had no qualms in translating that part. Reynir nodded in agreement.

“But for cases when you are not prepared enough and they don’t feel particularly helpful” Sigrun whispered to Reynir “a small insult on their ego might just do the trick” she finished, winking. The boy looked at her in awe after hearing the translation. “AND THIS IS HOW YOU PRAY PROPERLY!!!”

There was no need for Mikkel to explain _that_ one.

“I wish I could pray like Sigrun!” Reynir said, full of wonder.

“It was a coincidence! Don’t be so gullible!” Mikkel protested and glared at the sky right before ducking into the safety of the tank. Just to be sure.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, I don't think Mikkel is so cruel in canon. But, eh, artistic licence?  
> I hope you enjoyed it!  
> My favorite scene is when Sigrun bro-fists with Thor :3


End file.
